A SON who picked up his frail mother and threw her from a care home balcony has spoken of his actions publicly for the first time.

Robert Knight admits to killing his mum June Knight, 79, by throwing her from a balcony of Langley Lodge Nursing Home in Imperial Avenue, Westcliff.

He argues he had lost his self control and is therefore not guilty of murder.

The 52-year-old, of The Fairway, Leigh, spoke to the jury this morning.

He said: "She couldn’t speak for herself anymore, so I felt responsible to articulate her pain for her.

“A lot of the signs that she was in pain, I was very familiar with, having lived with the same condition myself. Her facial expressions, her breathing, I knew a lot about them, having seen them for so many years.

“The nurses’ demeanour felt almost dismissive. I thought if I could get a doctor to see her, he could override the nurse and got her on morphine."

He added: “At 5.30, when I came to leave, I thought she was in a worse state than she was at 2.30pm, and I was shocked at 2.30pm.

“I felt abandoned, I wasn’t in control of the situation.

“I was working that evening. I wish now I had cancelled that class. I should have stayed with mum.

“It was that afternoon that the thoughts really became very dark inside my head.

“I asked myself the question, if I was in that situation, what would I want?

"In my case, I know I would want it to end quickly. But at that point, it was definitely not a plan to kill mum.

“Helping mum to die, it was an absolutely horrible thought, I recoiled away from it. I thought I couldn’t do that.

“It was not a plan, but when you have thought that thought it becomes very difficult to un-think it.

“I got back to the home at about 9.40pm I remember the thoughts going through my head, but I remember telling myself ‘don’t be silly, don’t be dramatic, let’s hope it doesn’t ever come to that’.

“My thoughts when approaching the door was I was going to be with mum, and I may stay all night until the doctor arrives in the morning.

“I know from looking at the CCTV that I did pause on the stairs but I have no memory of that, it was a surprise to me."

Knight told the jury he was "even more horrified" when he saw his mother in the evening.

He added: "I was just standing there trying to absorb it, and it was horrible. She was very, very worse than before.

“I remember playing her The Carpenters, she had reacted positively to it before, but got no response.

“I thought if I wanted to take my own life I would find somewhere of great height and jump. The thoughts then invaded my mind again.

“I raised the bed, and I reached out and picked her up. At that moment I was overwhelmed, I thought I couldn’t bear to see her suffer anymore, I couldn’t let her go through another night like this.

“As I was holding her, the music was still playing on my phone. I thought it was mocking her, and had to turn it off.

“I picked her up again and made my way out of the room. At that point, I just had to get to the end of a tunnel and make it quick, to make sure the suffering would be over quickly.

“After, I felt utterly horrified.

“When I sat down in a chair, I thought it was likely I had achieved the aim, but then one of the carers came in, and she said to me your mother lives. From that point I couldn’t talk, I just sat staring straight ahead in horror.

“For the next 12 hours I didn’t know if she was dead or alive. I am still horrified now.”

When questioned if he had considered throwing his mother from the balcony could have increased her suffering, rather than killed her, he responded: “I wasn’t doing a rational weighing up of the situation, it was pure desperation. My mind was in turmoil, I was overwhelmingly sure that the distress was horrible for her.”

“When I was told she was alive, that was the most horrifying thing.”

The trial continues.